Apr 11, 2019
We’ve all been there. It’s time to go to school. The little one in the house is almost ready but shoes need to be put on and coats need to be worn. You know that if you don’t leave the house soon, traffic is going to be a mess. You announce that it’s time to put on socks and shoes. You bring over a pair and proceed to assist the child with their socks.
And that’s when it happens.
The meltdown.
They don’t want those shoes. They want to wear rain boots. The shoes are kicked away, there are tears and resistance. You find yourself momentarily at a loss, trying to soothe hurt feelings while simultaneously worrying about being late. You’re wondering if you should be firm or empathetic, make light of the situation or resolute – all the while feeling your own temper fraying a bit on the edges.
Don’t you wish you could just hit rewind?
You are not alone! If you have a child under 6 years old in the home, you encounter moments like this while juggling the challenges of a busy daily life. So many parents I meet have similar struggles and wish that they could have more tools at their disposal to grow their parenting skills. They want to embrace their child’s developmental milestones but find themselves unsure how to set appropriate limits.
What is the Montessori approach to discipline?
For many, the mere mention of the word discipline evokes strong feelings. There are those who equate the idea of discipline as the complete opposite of freedom. Yet, through her research and study, Dr. Montessori believed that freedom and discipline (also known as ‘limits’) are two sides of the same coin; where one cannot exist without the other. * (The Absorbent Mind, pg. 260) Therefore, the concept becomes freedom within limits.
A key principle in the Montessori approach is that the young child who is so strongly guided from within to explore and interact with their surroundings must be provided with a prepared environment that will encourage their developing independence. “Prepared” refers to: 1. appropriate child size furniture. 2. A limited number of challenging activities kept in a consistent location. 3. Space to move.
The important partner to this principle is that there are some simple ground rules that everyone (young and old) in this environment follow. The freedoms are: freedom to choose, freedom to move and freedom to work. The ground rules are: one respects oneself, respects others and respects the environment.
Having a space that allows a child to choose their own activities, take care of their basic needs and provide comfortable places to work and play, positively reinforces the child’s understanding of their capabilities. That guiding force, the will, from within the child is being nurtured. That space becomes a “yes” space.
A home that says – YES?
Does this mean that the house becomes a “free for all”?
No.
The space that says ‘yes’ has boundaries that accompany it.
Here’s an example:
In my house, my children can prepare their own snacks. (The YES) They can choose what they want from the limited selections I have provided. (Another YES) They have their own dishes and serving utensils, they can either eat at our dining table or a nearby child sized table. (YES again) Giving my girls the opportunity to take care of their own needs – like preparing a snack completely by themselves – grows their feeling of self-confidence. However, preparing a snack also includes: (the boundaries) washing the dishes when finished, cleaning the table from food residue or spills and sweeping the floor for crumbs. (This is the respect for the cleanliness of our home and respecting others by cleaning up after oneself)
Here’s an example:
In my house, my children can prepare their own snacks. (The YES) They can choose what they want from the limited selections I have provided. (Another YES) They have their own dishes and serving utensils, they can either eat at our dining table or a nearby child sized table. (YES again) Giving my girls the opportunity to take care of their own needs – like preparing a snack completely by themselves – grows their feeling of self-confidence. However, preparing a snack also includes: (the boundaries) washing the dishes when finished, cleaning the table from food residue or spills and sweeping the floor for crumbs. (This is the respect for the cleanliness of our home and respecting others by cleaning up after oneself)
It’s time to go to go to school. You let your little one know that it’s time for them to go to their closet and choose the socks they would like to wear and then choose a pair of shoes from their shoe basket. You have placed in their closet a small basket containing only 3 pairs of socks and the shoe basket contains only 2 pairs of weather appropriate shoes. Your child will have the opportunity to pick from those choices. They can either sit on the floor to put on their shoes or sit on a child sized chair or bench. You let them know that if they need any help you are available. (All YES opportunities) If they are quite young, you can work together on getting dressed by placing the socks over their toes and letting them pull the socks the rest of the way up and you can put their feet in their shoes and they can help with the closures. The limits? Once they have chosen, that’s what they will wear. If they are having trouble doing it by themselves, they must use their words and ask for help. If they do not make any choice, then you will choose for them. (Respect for themselves and others)
It takes a little practice but looking at your home and making those little adjustments that can help create more ‘Yes’ spaces partnered along with the necessary limits that come with those choices, provides your child with the important growth of their confidence and self-esteem. The Bellas Casa website is full of great resources that can help you along the way.
Here are 5 posts that can get you started:
- http://bellascasa.com/?p=1046 A Little Can Change A Lot
- http://bellascasa.com/?p=1233 Simple and Genius Ways to Improve A Day in the Life
- http://bellascasa.com/?p=1420 A Closet Tour
- http://bellascasa.com/?p=1507 Setting the Tone for the Whole Home
- http://bellascasa.com/?p=1589 A Better Morning Routine
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